Domus
by sweeny81
Summary: For a man who said he was not prepared to sacrifice a present for a future that may never happen, he was spending a lot of time wallowing in the past.
1. Chapter 1

Note: Although very much a J/C story my last Voyager fic was very Kathryn centric. It's Chakotay's turn to struggle with the return home this time.

**Domus**

He is not sure why he feels embarrassed. He's not sure why Riker's all knowing smug grin makes him want to curl his fist and wipe it off his face. He's not sure why the blood has rushed to his face or why he fervently hopes no one has noticed his anxiety.

But he does.

A cool hand brushes his back and he can't help but freeze.

"Talk of the devil." Riker drawls.

He turns to the figure who has moved beside him, the hand that brushed his back slipping in to his. His hand feels clammy in hers, he looks at her for a moment, then back to Riker. He knows that she can read his bio signals. She'll know that his pulse and respiration have increased. She'll see the slight increase in his temperature. He hopes, he fervently hopes that she'll put it down to his attraction to her. The soft smile she gives him reassures him that she does. He turns back to Riker.

"Seven. This is Commander Riker, from the Enterprise."

=/\=

It had been a long time since he stood on the balcony at Archer Hall. All those years ago the excitement had coursed through him, being in the presence of Admiral Spock had blown his mind. He had felt comfortable in the Starfleet uniform he wore, felt proud of his achievements. It was hard to reconcile the boy he was then with the man he was now.

He looked down at the new dress uniform he had been provided with at the end of the last debriefing. Kathryn had raised her eyebrows at the new design at the time and had slyly attempted to ask Admiral Paris if they could wear their old style uniforms instead as a tribute. Paris, with a smirk reminiscent of his son's had said the pain should be shared.

It had been a whirlwind since their return to earth, debriefings, counselling sessions, reunions and memorials. They had all served to ensure that his feet had not touched the ground. The ball was meant to be a chance to unwind, spend some time with his voyager family, and meet the loved ones that he had heard so much about. He was grateful that Starfleet had given them the opportunity. It wouldn't be long before new orders would lead the people who had been his family these past few years off to pastures new. He wanted to savour the opportunity to be with them one last evening.

"You just missed Seven and the Doctor doing the tango. It was a sight to behold."

He turned at Kathryn's voice, surprised he hadn't heard her approach.

"I saw them practicing earlier, could be a new career opportunity for them both." Chakotay grinned at her. He ruefully noted that she carried the horrendous new uniform much better than he did.

"Heavens preserve us. Although if it stops him writing novels maybe it's a good thing?" He laughed lightly and she stepped closer beside him to look at the view.

"Have you enjoyed your evening?" Chakotay asked, noticing the slight blush to her cheeks that indicated the new admiral had indeed enjoyed herself.

"It's been fabulous hasn't it? Now the debriefings are out the way and the memorials, it's been a great opportunity for everyone to let their hair down. Particularly as this might be the last time in a while for us all to be together."

Chakotay nodded, "Tom's been talking about a monthly get together for anyone who is planet side. Help everyone keep in touch."

"Yes we spoke about it last night. We thought Sandrines would be a good venue. The real one this time."

Chakotay raised his eyes at the 'last night'. "Were you at Tom and B'Elanna's for dinner?"

Kathryn nodded not noticing his surprise, "Yes it was a shame you couldn't make it. I heard Seven enjoyed meeting her relatives?"

He nodded a small smile gracing his face, "She did. It was emotional, a lot of reminiscing about her parents. It's remarkable how the family have taken it all in their stride. I think Seven is going to spend a few weeks with them before deciding upon her next posting."

"Seven mentioned that to me the other day. It's a good idea, will give you both some time away from the San Francisco spotlight."

He looked at her in amazement. On Voyager it was always his job to be the link between Kathryn and the crew, yet since they had been back, since the burden of getting everyone home had gone, Kathryn had been reborn. He knew from the Paris' that she had spent a lot of time with them and other members of the crew in between debriefing sessions. She had even babysat Miral on a few occasions. The Captain had steadily pealed away, and revealed the Kathryn he had always wanted the crew to see. Yet while he was happy she was building on the bonds she had forged with her crew, he had to admit it had left him a little bereft. Taking care of the captain wasn't his responsibility anymore.

"I won't be going to Sweden. Thought I would give the family a chance to get to know each other. Sekaya and her family are staying on Earth for a while."

He watched Kathryn nod thoughtfully, "You'll be going to Ohio?"

"New Mexico actually. My cousin has a place on the coast."

"You'll finally get that swim." Kathryn said smiling up at him.

He wanted to ask her to join him. To take the swim together as they had always planned, but something unknown stopped him. That agreement seemed so long ago, almost a different time, when all they had was each other.

"Admiral?" A voice behind them said.

"Sean," Kathryn beamed as they turned to see a Starfleet officer that Chakotay didn't recognize. Chakotay checked his collar, a Captain. "Come and meet my first officer, Chakotay. Chakotay this is Sean Ramirez, an old academy class mate of mine."

"It's a pleasure, Captain Chakotay." Ramirez said kindly as he shook Chakotay's hand.

"I'm sorry to interrupt Admiral, but the 'ultimate' Admiral is requesting your presence."

Chakotay looked at Kathryn, "Ultimate Admiral?"

"My mother," Kathryn sighed and Chakotay could help but laugh. It was well known that Gretchen Janeway was a woman highly respected and feared by the Starfleet Admiralty. Reg Barclay had gone so far to tell Chakotay that the support for the pathfinder project probably had more to do with her than Admiral Paris.

Kathryn turned back to Chakotay with a slight apology in her eyes, "I guess we'll have to catch up another time Chakotay."

He nodded with a smile, "Another time."

She hesitated slightly but seemed to decide against whatever it was she was going to say. Ramirez held out his arm to her and she took it with a smile, leaning easily against him and Chakotay had to wonder if 'old academy classmate' was all he was to her.

He watched Ramirez lead her back into the hall, their heads conspiratorially close together until Kathryn threw her head back and laughed. He tried to remember the last time they had acted so freely and comfortable together as she appeared to be with the Captain.

Shaking the melancholy thoughts for his head he decided to follow them back into the hall, searching for Seven as he did so. He caught her eye at the bar and she held her hand out to him as he reached her. He gave it a squeeze before turning to B'Elanna whose gaze was focused elsewhere.

"What you looking at?" He asked trying to catch her attention and he followed her gaze to where the Admiral was holding court with Riker, Gretchen, Ayala and Ramirez.

"I don't know how she does it." B'Elanna said.

"Do what?"

"Hold court like that. Every where she goes, every person she speaks to, it's like she draw them into her own personal web. The grouchiest of admirals, the most cynical maquis family member. All of them. Completely at her mercy."

"I know it's remarkable we ever had a problem with the vidiians."

B'Elanna smiled and moved towards her husband to hand him his drink. She glanced down at his hand clasped around Seven's as she moved away and he felt that hot bush of embarrassment again.

Chakotay moved his eyes back to Kathryn, the group's attention focused on the admiral. Riker had a glint in his eye, Ayala and Ramirez were laughing, Gretchen tried to look disapproving but the slight smirk was giving her away. Kathryn looked in her element, her hands expressive as she talked, her face alight with humour.

"Would you like to join them?" Seven asked.

He turned to look at her, "Sorry?"

"The group talking to the admiral, you have been watching them."

Chakotay blushed, "Sorry Seven, it was something that B'Elanna said." He turned his attention back to her. She smiled gently at him and he smiled back squeezing her hand. "How about a dance, although I warn you I don't have the doctor's talent."

"Your imperfections are...unique."

"That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

He guided her in front of him to go to the dance floor. He took a look back at the group, now added by the Parises and convulsing in laughter. His hand scraped Seven's back, and he turned towards the dance floor. He wondered why he was hesitant to do so but before he could decipher the feeling, Seven was in his arms and he let himself be swept away by the music.

=/\=

He knew that he had a problem when the sound of the surf did not appear to have the same magical effect on him as it had years ago. He had been at the coast for the past few weeks with his cousin, Achak, and his sister Sekaya. He was pleased that she had decided to stay a bit longer although he knew that she hoped he would return to Trebus with her. He was keen to but any trip to his home world would take at least a month if not two to be truly worthwhile and his life was not yet settled enough for him to see any further than a few days ahead, let alone weeks.

Since the debriefings had finished his commission had been restored, his rank promoted to Captain and his Maquis 'crimes' pardoned. He should have been on top of the world, yet he felt adrift, unsure of his place in the universe. He had hoped a few weeks with his family would restore his equilibrium but it only served to make him feel even more uncertainty. He had thought he would not be the only one but in his short conversations with his former crew mates everyone had seemed to take being back in the alpha quadrant in their stride. Seven was enjoying getting to know her family, the Parises were happily settled with Miral and Kathryn was the darling of the Alpha Quadrant. He sighed, perhaps he was over thinking it.

"You are melancholy, brother," Sekaya said to him lightly and he shrugged in return, "Are you missing Seven? You know we could have waited for her to return."

Chakotay couldn't help the blush, Sekaya had not said a word about his relationship with Seven but he felt uncomfortable about discussing it with her.

"No. Seven is enjoying the time with her family. I'm fine, it's all been a lot to take in the past few months. I'm just...acclimatising."

Sekaya raised her eyebrow but was deterred from questioning further by the chirp of his communicator.

"_Torres to Chakotay."_

"Chakotay here."

"_How's the surf old man?"_

"It's great, what's up?"

"_Tom's being a p'tak"_

"That's nothing new Torres, I warned you when you married him." Chakotay said with a smirk and Sekaya shook her head in amusement.

"_Hey! I love you too big guy." _He heard Tom shout.

"_Anyway –" _B'Elanna interrupted, _"He went and bet the 'godparentage' of our daughter that he could beat the Admiral in a pool match."_

"The 'godparentage' of your daughter?"

"_Basically if he wins, Tom gets to be the godparent of the Admiral's 'first-born' and if the Admiral wins she gets to join the Doctor as Miral's godmother."_

Chakotay tried not to choke as he squeaked out, "The Admiral's pregnant?!"

"_What? No you idiot, a hypothetical first born. Anyway I said we couldn't have the Admiral as a possible godparent and not have you so the Admiral thinks you should be 'in her corner' so to speak while she –_

"_Kicks his ass!" _Chakotay was surprised to hear the Admiral's gravelly tones in the background.

"Have you all been drinking?" Chakotay asked, bemused by the whole conversation.

B'Elanna ignored him and carried on, _"Anyway, you need to be there, can you transport back?"_

He shook his head and turned to his sister who answered for him, "He'll be there B'Elanna. Just tell us where and when."

"_Tonight, we were going to go to Sandrines but the time difference doesn't work for us so we are meeting at the Fleeters bar in San Francisco, 8pm."_

"I'll be there."

"_Excellent see you then, Torres out."_

Sekaya was trying hard to keep a straight face and Achak just looked confused, "Are they always like that?" he asked.

Chakotay shrugged in amusement, "I leave them alone for five minutes."

"The Admiral sounds like fun, she always seemed so serious at the debriefings." Sekaya said.

Chakotay smiled, "She has her moments."

Achak clapped his hands, "Well as much as I am enjoying the beach lifestyle, I have to say beer and a San Francisco bar sounds too good to turn down."

Chakotay nodded and looked out towards the surf as his sister and cousin discussed arrangements. It really was a beautiful place, he got caught up in the rhythmic sounds of the surf turned his face up towards the sun and smiled.

=/\=

If the result was perfunctory, the manner of the win was not. Kathryn, with her pool shark tendencies still as sharp as ever, had destroyed Paris, who had barely had any time at the table. It had made the 'bet' even more ridiculous and Chakotay had to wonder if the new friendship the Parises had found with the Admiral hadn't had more to do with it. That and the Admiral's apparent god like ability (according to a tipsy B'Elanna) to get an unsettled Miral off to sleep when her exhausted parents had run out of options.

The Admiral, out of uniform, had commanded the crowd as if she was on the bridge of her ship, all patrons had become her biggest fans, the Voyagers in attendance abandoning their crew-mate to support their commanding officer. She shamelessly flirted with the crowd who whooped and hollered every time she struck the ball. Achak and Sekaya were as mesmerised as everyone else. Chakotay knew he would have been too if he wasn't distracted, and not in a good way, by the woman that he was supposed to be dating.

Seven had, unexpectedly, turned up just as the contest was getting going. As he saw her walk through the door, he suddenly felt ashamed for not thinking to call her. Seven, graciously, had not seemed to hold it against him and greeted him with a chaste kiss on the cheek. He felt rather than saw the eyes of his shipmates upon him and he tried, not for the first time, to ignore the embarrassment that washed across him. After exchanging pleasantries she had indicated over to the Doctor and Tuvok and hadn't been back to him since.

He tried to decipher the turmoil of feelings inside him. While he was happy to see Seven and pleased that she seemed so content and relaxed, he was confused by his apparent reluctance and, frankly, embarrassment at public displays of affection with her. He also noted that in the weeks they had been apart he had not felt her absence as keenly as he had the Parises'. What had seemed so right aboard Voyager, seemed so different once they had reached earth.

"How's it going buddy?" Chakotay turned to see Mike Ayala hand him a beer.

"Good. Good." Chakotay stumbled.

Mike smirked at him knowingly, "Do you remember that night out on Kendera 4?"

How could Chakotay forget, he and Mike and taken the opportunity for a bit of downtime while the Val Jean was being repaired and had ended up in a hellhole of a bar flirting with two young blondes half their age.

"I remember the pain of the next morning."

"Me too, I caught you sneaking out of that girl's room if you remember?"

Chakotay flushed, it wasn't one of his best moments.

"Most men would have been proud to have scored with such a beauty. But you," Ayala prodded him in the chest, "You were always a such a gentleman. If it wasn't for that tan of yours I bet you would have been as bright as a red alert."

Chakotay huffed in amusement, "Not one of my finer moments."

Ayala nodded, "The look on your face..." he shook his head, "Kind of like the look on your face when Seven walked in."

Chakotay snapped his head up but the flash of anger drained when he saw his friend's face.

"Want to talk about it?"

Chakotay sighed, "I wouldn't know where to start."

Ayala nodded and took a draught of his beer, "She's a beautiful woman Chakotay."

"And young." Chakotay grumbled.

"Is that a problem?"

Chakotay shrugged, "I don't know Mike. What seemed okay while we were on Voyager..."

His friend nodded, "Everything is different."

"Yes."

"Have you spoken to Seven about this?"

"We've barely done more than exchange pleasantries in the past few weeks."

"You need to talk to her."

"I know."

Ayala nodded, apparently satisfied that he had said his peace and turned back to the pool table where the Admiral was about to open a bottle of champagne to celebrate her success.

"It's good to see her like this." Ayala indicated towards their former commanding officer.

Chakotay nodded.

"The debriefings were hard on her."

"They were hard on us all." Chakotay said and Ayala looked quizzically at him. He went to speak but then decided against it.

"What?" Chakotay asked but they were interrupted by the Admiral calling Chakotay's name asking where he was.

"Right here Kathryn." Ayala shouted pointing to Chakotay. Kathryn? It was Chakotay's turn to look quizzically at his friend. When had Ayala started calling Kathryn by anything but her rank?

"Get up here Captain, it's time to enjoy our team's win!"

"Yes Ma'am." Chakotay called and forced his way through the crowd to where the Admiral handed him a flute of champagne. She clinked his glass with a wink and he grinned back swept up in her enthusiasm and a bear hug from slightly inebriated B'Elanna. He squeezed B'Elanna back and watched the Admiral ruffle Tom's hair who was slumped over the table in mock despair as Harry laughed at him. This time when he felt warm, it wasn't from embarrassment or shame, it was from the affection he felt for these people.

He looked out at the crowd, saw the Voyager's pass round bottles of champagne with a wild abandon that they could never have dreamed of on Voyager. A few weeks apart and it seemed everyone was in need of this time together, and he realised that the pool contest wasn't about being a godparent or Tom's need for competition. It was about friendship and comradeship. Something that Kathryn and the others had realised and that he had not thought about while he was being maudlin at the beach.

His gaze caught Seven's as she demurely passed on the chance to swig from a bottle of champagne and she indicated a corner booth on the other side of the room. The joy and celebration was quickly replaced by a feeling of dread as he extricated himself from B'Elanna's arms.

"Did you enjoy the match?" Chakotay asked as he sat down opposite Seven.

Seven smiled, "It was good to see the Admiral enjoying herself. It must have been difficult for her these past few months."

Seven was the second person to refer in that way to the Admiral and he frowned but before he could ask her what she meant she interrupted.

"This has not been an easy decision but I feel that we should terminate our romantic relationship."

Chakotay was astounded.

"What?"

"I am sorry. Although I have enjoyed out time together, I feel that we are at...different places in our lives."

"Different places?" Chakotay repeated dumbly.

"Yes. Although I have great admiration for you and am grateful for the kindness you have shown me, I do not feel ready for a commitment."

"Commitment? We are dating Seven, not getting married."

Suddenly the confidence that she had exuded faded slightly and she looked embarrassed.

"I do not wish to cause you harm." Chakotay looked at her and saw for the first time in a long time, how young she looked. How, inexperienced she was and yet she was the one who was mature and sensible enough to stop flogging a dead horse. Despite his pride taking a beating, he did not have the inclination this time to stop her.

He took a deep breath, "I understand Seven. And it is fine, coming back to the Alpha Quadrant has put us all in a state of...flux. It has changed things for all of us."

Seven looked visibly relieved at his reaction, "I am pleased that I have not injured you Chakotay. I hope we can remain friends."

He smiled, "Of course."

They shared a few drinks while she updated him on all the things she had done since being with her family. It was wonderful to see her so happy and content. He knew that she had made the right decision. It was time for her to explore when all he wanted to do was the opposite.

"I must take my leave, my family are waiting for me. I am sorry to have to go so soon." Seven said after finishing her drink.

"Not at all. We will catch up soon." Seven smiled at him and he watched as she made her way through the crowd to grab the Admiral in a quick hug. He saw Kathryn give her a concerned look but was pleased to see her being reassured quickly that all was fine. Kathryn glanced over at him and he found he could not hold her gaze. When he looked up he saw Seven head out into the San Francisco evening.

He indicated to the waiter for a beer, gone were the warm feelings of friendship he had felt only minutes earlier. He was not foolish enough not to notice the signs. He had not expected to feel so unsettled and unsure at Voyager's return. He felt like he was the only one left on the ship as the others happily found their way. Boldly striding into the future while he cowered in the past. It wasn't like him. Perhaps the counselling sessions had not been as deep or as thorough as they should have been.

"Do you mind if I join you?" He heard a lilting voice ask and he looked up to see Counsellor Troi from the Enterprise in front of him.

He shook his head and indicated to the seat in front of him which she took gratefully.

"My fiancé is doing drinking games with Voyager's security team and I have to be up early for a dress fitting." She explained, "Hence my wanting to hide out from the rowdiness for a while."

Chakotay smiled and turned in his seat to see Riker at the bar.

"He doesn't know what he is getting in to with Ayala."

Troi smirked, "Then his hangover tomorrow will be a welcome reminder before his bachelor party that he's not a cadet anymore."

Chakotay narrowed his eyes at Troi who looked innocent as she sipped her drink. "Cunning Counsellor, you seem to have improved your tactical skills since sitting in my lectures."

Troi laughed, "Maybe it was the teacher I had"

"Touché."

Troi leaned back, eyeing him closely, "So Captain, what leaves you here sitting in the dark?"

"I just got dumped."

"Ah."

"Yes, ah."

"You don't seem too upset, more..."

"Resigned?" Chakotay interrupted.

"Exactly."

Chakotay laughed. "You know I was just thinking that I could have done with more counselling sessions before you sat down. Do you have super intuition as well as empathic senses?"

Troi looked slightly embarrassed, "Your Doctor may have suggested that you could do with a chat."

"The Doctor?"

"Yes."

"Ah. Nice to know I was the last to know."

"Were you?"

"Sorry?"

"The last to know?"

Chakotay looked at her and smiled, "No. Probably not."

"You seem sad."

"Like I said I've just been dumped."

Troi nodded and paused as she looked out at the crowd before looking back at him.

"So, do you want to talk about it?"

"I seem to remember saying the same to you once when you threw a tactics text book across the library. Is the student becoming the mentor?" Chakotay asked.

"I'm pretty sure you were my Tactic's teacher, not counsellor."

He gave her a small smile and she shrugged in return.

"I'm going to be planet-side until the wedding, I've got an office at HQ, Starfleet have asked me to work with some of the Voyager crew and their family members. The offer is there if you ever want to chat."

Chakotay took a deep breath and looked out on his crewmates, his family, his friends. The Admiral had joined the drinking games with Ayala and Riker, her sister Phoebe cheering them on, Sean Ramirez tapping out a drumroll on the bar. Kathryn would drink them under the table. He should go over, join in but something stopped him. The something that had stopped him joining his friends at the welcome home ball, that had stopped him from inviting Kathryn to the Gulf of Mexico. He felt apart from everyone and everything.

He turned back to Troi, "You know on Voyager, I was the unofficial counsellor. Everyone came to me."

"Even the Captain?"

Chakotay nodded, "Particularly the Captain. For most of our journey I was the only one on the crew who called her Kathryn."

"Most of the journey?" Troi asked.

"It wasn't the easiest couple of years. We...our relationship changed, we weren't each others confidantes in the way we had been before."

"You still seem close."

Chakotay shrugged, "She's my best friend."

"But," Troi pressed.

"But...I'm not sure I'm hers anymore."

=/\=


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Thank you for all your reviews and encouragement to finish this off. Probably another chapter to go on this one, will try not to have as a big a gap as before!

Domus

Chapter 2

"Was it difficult? Learning to trust each other?" Troi asked him.

Chakotay sighed as he looked out the window from the Counsellor's office. He had felt unsettled since their talk at the Fleeter's Bar. He had tried to join in the frivolity but with a concerned look from his friends and a knowing glance between B'Elanna and Kathryn that he didn't want to read too much into, he had left his friends, his sister and cousin to return to New Mexico where he remained for a few more days before returning to San Fransisco. He had contacted Deanna straight away to ask for an appointment. She had agreed immediately and he had felt relieved. He knew he needed help. This was their fourth session, they had discussed everything, his childhood, his time with Starfleet, the Maquis, his time in the Delta Quadrant. Yet still those feelings of unease remained.

"Surprisingly not. It may have been foolish, naive even, but I trusted Kathryn from the start and I think that she also trusted me. We had some hiccups at the beginning but the speed and ease with which they were resolved probably should have given me cause for concern."

"Why? If it was going so well, why should that have been a bad thing?"

"It was too easy. Only days before she was chasing me through the badlands trying to rescue her security officer and then snap, we were the command team?"

"Luck perhaps? That you were two command officers that complimented each other."

"Yes, there was probably a good dose of that."

"If you had met her, while you were still in Starfleet, before the Marquis, before the Cardassians, do you think you would have got on?"

Chakotay smiled, "We asked ourselves that once. We found out that we would have been at an event at the same time. I really don't know, so much about us is so different and yet so similar. I think…perhaps…" Chakotay shrugged, "Perhaps I would have been attracted to her. Her wit, her confidence, her compassion, her…beauty. But it would have surprised me as Kathryn was not the normal type that I thought I was attracted to."

"Not blonde enough?" Troi asked with a smirk.

"Probably not." Chakotay admitted ruefully.

"When you did meet her, was there an attraction there?"

Chakotay looked at his hands a small smile forming as remembered the petite Captain stepping front of him, "I was trying to kill Tom Paris at the time but she took me by surprise most definitely."

"Surprise only?"

Chakotay shook his head, "No," he admitted, "I was angry, Tom had betrayed us and I was still reeling from the news that Tuvok had so successfully fooled me. But she made me stop in my tracks. Her bravery, her concern for her crew. She was…authentic and stunningly beautiful. I am a man of instinct and something told me that I should trust her and follow her."

"Has that ever changed? All these years later?"

Chakotay shook his head, "She has disappointed me on occasion, I know I have disappointed her, she has frustrated me, confused me, angered me…"

"Hurt you?"

Chakotay looked up in surprise and paused before speaking again, quietly, "Never knowingly or at least, not on purpose."

Troi nodded in encouragement as Chakotay felt the weight of his words sink in.

"But in response to your question, no it hasn't changed. I would still follow her, I would still stand by her side, she is the best woman I have ever met and given that I know some wonderful women that comment is the best compliment I can pay her."

"Are you in love with her?" Tori asked quietly and Chakotay felt his insides clench. This was not a subject he had ever discussed in so much detail with anyone other than his spirit guide.

"There were barriers we never crossed." He said simply.

"I am not talking about physical barriers Chakotay. I am talking about love."

Chakotay stood and blew out a breath in frustration at himself and the subject. Being so affected after all this time, took him by surprise.

"I was in love with her." He admitted sadly, "I devoted my all to her, my priority was to make her burdens…lighter, to support her, guide her as best I could. I knew and accepted that while we were on Voyager it was highly unlikely that anything else could happen. I consoled myself with being her best friend and she was mine. Any attraction we might have felt settled down into a comforting friendship, an emotional intimacy."

"Did that sadden you?"

"It was what it was. There were times, moments where I knew all it would take would be a touch and any barriers between us would be removed but I respected her too much to ever push."

"You told me the other night that you were not sure you were her best friend anymore. When did that change?"

Chakotay walked over to the window that overlooked the City. San Francisco really was beautiful, he had forgotten how much."

"It was hard, the past few years. Kathryn and I faced many hard moments, moments I was scared I was losing her to the pressures of the Delta Quadrant, the burdens of command. I watched as she pushed herself to breaking point, as she fell in to the well of despair and tried to pick her up."

"It must have been wearing on you."

"It was. I knew that Kathryn needed me to be the best First Officer I could be. And I was. But I think it came at the price of our more intimate friendship. She cloaked herself in command and I removed myself from her, and I know that it hurt her as much as it hurt me."

"I imagine it must have been lonely for you both."

"It was. I needed more, I needed companionship, intimacy."

"Is that where Seven came in?"

Chakotay nodded in response, "Seven was so…innocent, so ready to need me, to love me. It was intoxicating."

"But it didn't last?"

"No. Outside of Voyager everything changed and I was ashamed to realise that I was using her. Using her to replace something I thought I had lost. I wanted to care for someone in the way that Kathryn never let me. Seven fitted the bill."

Troi looked at Chakotay thoughtfully and Chakotay thought that it was nearly as exposing as having the link with Riley. He knew that his emotions were open enough to Troi for her to read him quite clearly. He wanted her to. He wanted her to help him identify where the strange feelings he had experienced since stepping off Voyager had come from.

"Do you think the fact I have been so unsettled is down to any unresolved feelings I have for Kathryn?"

Troi shook her head, "No. You sound as if you have a great deal of self awareness when it comes to your feelings for Kathryn. As if you made peace with your relationship with her a long time ago, albeit I am sure that there are some regrets but you've become aware of them since before coming home I imagine."

Chakotay agreed, "I feel at peace with a lot of things, Kathryn, Starfleet, our time in the Delta Quadrant, the losses, the successes, the good times and the bad. I don't understand this feeling of unease."

Troi smiled encouragingly, "I think you are perhaps the most open-minded, self aware patient I have ever had Chakotay. But you have fallen in to the trap of thinking that everything is tied to your return to Earth. As if that one single point in time must be responsible."

"You don't think it is?"

"Not directly, a contributory factor maybe, but no. Do you think Chakotay that perhaps the problems you have had since coming back to the Alpha Quadrant is because it's the first time you have stopped since you were a boy?"

"What do you mean?"

"By your own admission you are a contrary. When you were a boy you fought your father and your heritage to reach for the stars, to abandon your way of life for something more, something your ancestors had long rejected. When you got to Starfleet you battled to be the best, you had great pressure as the ward of Sulu and you had to prove yourself in an unfamiliar environment, an unfamiliar culture."

"And I did, I became one of the youngest Commanders in the Fleet, I had great responsibility at the Academy."

"Yes. And then Cardassians came for your home and your family and you found yourself battling again, this time against the very organisation that had taken you away from your people."

Chakotay felt the light of understanding at what Troi was getting at.

"And then came the Delta Quadrant and the Caretaker. And you found yourself having to wear the uniform you swore you would never wear again. You found a new cause."

"Voyager." Chakotay said.

"And Kathryn Janeway the most Starfleet of Fleeters imaginable. "

Chakotay scrubbed his face with a hollow laugh, "Are you suggesting Counsellor that I find myself a new battle, there are only so many times a man can change sides."

Troi smiled back, "I dont think you are fickle Chakotay. Anything but in fact. There is no doubt your actions have been the result of circumstances rather than a conscious choice. But you have been at war in one way or another since you were a teenager and now…"

"There's no war."

"No. Now is the time Chakotay to find out what you want, to explore your interest and your passions. No more duty Chakotay, what do you want, who do you want to be?"

=/\=

The rain was hammering down and Chakotay thought ruefully that it was his contrary nature that would make him choose his future here on Earth instead of the tropical climate of Trebus. He had returned from his home planet only the day before after two months visiting with friends and family that had been thankfully left unharmed by the Cardassian raids on his home planet. It had been a peaceful time and given him opportunity to put a lot of ghosts to rests. There had been tears, anger but mostly love and compassion. He felt revitalised.

Troi had been right. He had needed to find out who he wanted to be, what he wanted to do and where he wanted to stay. And he had. As soon as he had returned to Earth he had contacted the Parises, B'Elanna had moaned at him for disappearing but he knew it was half hearted, that his old friend had understood his need to gather himself and his thoughts. He had missed them though, Miral was already growing fast and he knew he didn't want to miss much more of his favourite niece growing up.

Mike Ayala had been in touch early that morning, the Voyager grapevine working well on Earth, Chakotay had then made sure he sent messages to the Doctor, to Seven and Harry, realising that his absence had been missed and resolving to be a better friend to all of them.

There was one more call he had to make, one which made him more nervous than he ever should be. He took a deep breath and rang the chime. This was a call he didn't want to make via screen or text. It was one that had to be done in person.

"Chakotay."

Chakotay felt his stomach sink into his boots.

"Captain Ramirez."

Ramirez smiled his boyish smile and Chakotay nodded in return.

"I'm just on my way out, Kathryn is inside. Please go on in."

He might have imagined it but he was sure the Captain had winked at him as he brushed past him. Chakotay didn't know what to make of the fact that he obviously seemed at home at the Admiral's apartment. Comfortable enough to invite him in and it left Chakotay's new found confidence floundering in his wake.

"Sean I thought…Oh, Chakotay! What are you doing here?" Kathryn appeared from the living area, out of uniform, looking relaxed and comfortable and, thankfully, she seemed pleased to see him.

"Sorry Captain Ramirez let me in, he said just to come on through."

"Of course, come on in. Can I get you a coffee?"

"Please."

He followed her in to the living area and watched as she made her way to the replicator. The apartment was simply furnished but homely. It was strange to see Kathryn's personal effects somewhere other than her quarters on Voyager but he was pleased to see that she had made herself at home. He recalled his own apartment before he had left for Trebus and was startled to realise just how barren it was, as if he was expecting to just pick up his life and move on. He'd have to decorate.

"Penny for them?"

"Sorry?" Chakotay looked up startled to see Kathryn standing to his side with a steaming cup of coffee

Kathryn smiled at him and he realised just how much he had missed her.

"It is an old saying my mother always uses. You seemed miles away, anywhere nice?"

Chakotay smiled back, "I was just realising that I needed to decorate my apartment. It is lovely here Kathryn."

Kathryn looked around obviously pleased that he liked it, "It's Sean I have to thank, he forced me to decorate when I was feeling restless. And he has got a great eye."

Chakotay stamped down again on the now familiar feeling, he hadn't realised that Kathryn and the Captain were in a relationship. B'Elanna had not mentioned anything about it, nor Ayala or any of the Voyagers he had spoken to in the last few days.

"He certainly has." In more ways than one Chakotay thought with a wry smile as he accepted Kathryn's silent invitation to take a seat on the couch next to her.

"How was Trebus?" Kathryn asked, pulling her legs up under her resting one arm on the back of the sofa and turning her body towards Chakotay. She looked the picture of relaxation and contentment, how envious he felt of her, that everything had seemed to fall in to place for her so easily. It surprised him, he thought out of all them Kathryn would have had the most difficulty adjusting.

"It was fabulous, I was able to spend a lot of time with Sekaya, other family and lots of old friends. It gave me the chance to put a lot of old ghosts to rest."

Kathryn smiled and the arm that rested on the couch came to rub his shoulder briefly, "Good," she looked at him seriously, "I was worried about you before you went. You didn't seem…yourself."

"I'm sorry if I worried you, leaving like that." Chakotay said honestly. He hardly had time to speak to her before he booked his transport to Trebus and the lack of two way conversation while he was there had made any deep and meaningful discussion about his feelings, what he had discovered through his sessions with Counsellor Troi, very difficult.

Kathryn waved it away, "Not at all, I figured you would need some time. We all have to some extent. Acclimatising back to the Alpha Quadrant has not been simple."

"You seem to have done ok." Chakotay said with a laugh.

Kathryn looked away, "Yes. Well, have you thought anymore on what you want to do now?"

Chakotay knew a change of subject when he saw one and it left him puzzled, "Kathryn?"

Kathryn ignored him and carried on, "I know that the Academy is anxious to have you back and I have to say it would be nice to have you so close by."

"Kathryn." Chakotay stated more firmly, forcing Kathryn to look at him. He held her stare until the moment was broken by the cheep of the comm system. Kathryn gave him a kind look and went to answer it.

"Counsellor! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Chakotay looked up to see the smiling face of Counsellor Troi.

"I just wanted to check that we were still ok for your appointment tomorrow?"

Chakotay raised his eyebrows in surprise. He didn't know that Deanna was treating Kathryn. He saw Kathryn glance at him before giving Troi a wry smile, "Of course Counsellor."

"And I wanted to check whether you were bringing the handsome Captain Ramirez to the wedding?"

Kathryn laughed, "I wont tell him you called him handsome Deanna, his ego being large enough as it is. But yes, he will be escorting me."

"Excellent. Ill see you tomorrow, I will have the coffee ice cream ready."

Kathryn shook her head as she signed off and turned back to Chakotay a knowing smile on her face. "I suppose you would have gathered by that conversation that I have been seeing Counsellor Troi."

"It's none of my business Kathryn but I thought you were assigned another counsellor by Starfleet?"

Kathryn nodded as she sat back down across from him reaching for her coffee, "I was. But it became apparent to those around me that I needed further….support shall we say."

Chakotay looked at her. He had no idea. "I thought everything was going really well. Getting home, your promotion, your family, your….friendships."

Kathryn smiled at him, "It was, but I had a lot of scars Chakotay, a lot of guilt and I had too much time on my hands to wallow in. However between my family, the Parises, Sean and others they staged what I can only describe as an intervention," She shook her head, "I had no idea Chakotay, really no idea what wonderful friends I had."

Chakotay was devastated, to think that Kathryn had been suffering. "I am so sorry Kathryn. I didn't know, I didn't…"

Kathryn held up a hand to him, "It was not something I wanted everyone to know, I wasn't even aware of it myself at first. There were those who I was spending a lot of time with who recognised the signs before I did."

Chakotay was frustrated with himself and rubbed his face, "I should have known, I should have been the one that noticed."

Kathryn shook her head, "I am not your responsibility Chakotay, you had enough to deal with as it was. There was no reason you should have known."

"I promised you. I promised….. and when you needed me where was I, wallowing in my own self obsession."

"Oh Chakotay," Kathryn smiled at him kindly, more kindly than he deserved, "You have the chance to make your own life now. No one knows more than me how much you sacrificed being the finest first officer I could ever have asked for. You should be concentrating on you, not worrying about your former boss."

"You are more than that Kathryn. I thought we were friends. Why didn't you confide in me?"

"I didn't confide in anyone Chakotay. Mike Ayala found me after a debriefing. I was hiding in a cupboard, rocking. Mike thought I was catatonic. He took me straight to the Doctor."

"Mike?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn nodded, "He and my sister have been seeing each other and apparently B'Elanna had asked him to keep an eye on me that day. I had been spending a lot of time with them and unbeknown to me they were conspiring with my family and Sean to get me to seek further help. They didn't think I was dealing with everything very well, and they were right."

Chakotay hung his head, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed. He had been so convinced that Kathryn was flourishing, she certainly seemed happy. Although it certainly explained the cryptic remarks Mike and others had made. Seven. Even Seven had noticed something wasn't right with her, he scrubbed his face and was surprised to feel a light touch on his hand. He dropped his hands to see Kathryn sitting in front of him on the coffee table with the kindest expression he had ever seen.

"Chakotay. Listen to me. We both needed to find our own way when we returned. You don't have any duty towards me anymore."

"I have a duty towards you as a friend don't I?"

"I think we lost our way in that department don't you think?" Although said gently Chakotay found Kathryn's words a harsh truth.

"Chakotay. I'm not a cause you have to swear your allegiance too anymore. You are relieved of that burden. I caused you enough stress over the years, you shouldn't have to worry about me."

He nodded and stared at Kathryn's hands, still caressing his. She was right, they had lost their way in the friendship department but the thought of losing it forever was too much. She had to understand.

"You are right, we've both probably needed time away from each other. To figure out who we are away from the Command Team. I think we've both been on a bit of a journey."

"I think we have." Kathryn smiled in agreement.

"But make no mistake Kathryn, I want us to have our friendship. Not because we have to, not because we've been thrown together but because your friendship has been the most important of my life."

He grasped her hand between his, so she understood the depth of his feeling, "I want to be there for you and I want you to be there for me."

He watched Kathryn's eyes fill with tears, "You have a problem Chakotay, I am sure. Most normal people would want to get as far away from me as possible after seven years as my first officer."

"Ive never been normal Kathryn, and neither have you."

"True. So," Kathryn leaned back, "How about dinner and you can tell me all about your trip to Trebus."

"Only if I get to cook."

"Very funny Captain."


	3. Chapter 3

=/\=

Chakotay stood with his hands in his pockets, he hadn't seen Kathryn since their dinner at her apartment. He had spent the week confirming arrangements for a new position at the Academy and despite attempts to catch up over lunch, he had been thwarted at every turn. He wasn't sure if she was avoiding him on purpose.

Their dinner the week before had been reminiscent of the many times on Voyager when, with no emergency or red alert, they had been able to indulge in wine, laughter and friendship. He had flirted shamelessly with her and she had flirted right back. He regaled her with stories of his time on Trebus and she had made him laugh as she described her many nights spent with the Parises during his absence. It had given him hope, only to have that hope turn to dust when Ramirez had returned to Kathryn's home. Chakotay had not stayed long after, despite Kathryn and Ramirez's protestations and he wondered just what would have happened if Ramirez had not returned.

He watched her now, she hadn't spotted him yet, making her way around the various starfleet dignitaries on Ramirez's arm. She looked magnificent. And he couldn't deny that they made a handsome couple, but she had shown him just enough that other evening to make him think that perhaps all was not as it seemed. Gone was the feeling of unease that had surrounded him when they returned home and instead his mind was focused. Confident. Captain Chakotay had a mission, and he intended to see it through to the end.

He moved down towards Troi and Riker as they were greeting guests to their evening reception, "Congratulations Counsellor." Chakotay said to the blushing bride, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Thank you Chakotay, I was so pleased that you were able to make it."

"I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Commander, congratulations." Chakotay said as he turned to Riker.

"Chakotay! How many times do I have to tell you, it's Will."

Chakotay acknowledged the Commander's comment with a smile and a slight nod, "Will, you are a very lucky man."

"I know," Riker replied as he tightened his arm around his wife's waist, "It's been a long time coming and believe me I am going to appreciate every second of being with this amazing woman."

Troi looked at her husband with open adoration and Chakotay felt his heart squeeze, half in happiness for his former student and half in envy at their obvious devotion to each other. He was about to move on when Riker's attention moved to behind Chakotay, "Talking of amazing women, Admiral Janeway! Come and give this old married man a hug!"

Chakotay raised his eyebrows as Kathryn made her way to Will and Deanna, hugging both in turn before stepping to Chakotay's side, "You never change Riker, a few minutes married and still a shameless flirt."

"Only because I know from bitter experience that my charms have no impact on you!" Riker said laughing and Chakotay looked at him in curiosity.

"I once asked the dear Admiral on a date many, many years ago and she blew me out." Riker clarified.

Chakotay watched as Kathryn rolled her eyes and Troi playfully swatted her new husband, "What?! It's true she did, and I'm sorry Kathryn it is too late now, I'm taken." Riker said smugly as he kissed his wife's hand.

"I'm heartbroken. Truly." Kathryn said dryly.

"Come on you, stop embarrassing our guests we have a first dance to complete." Troi said as she pulled her husband away with a wave to the former Voyager command team and moved towards the dancefloor.

"He doesn't change." Kathryn said as they watched Troi and Riker ready themselves for their first dance.

"Did you know him well in the Academy?" Chakotay asked.

"Only by reputation. Hence why I 'blew him out'. He was quite the lothario, I'm amazed I am actually at his wedding." Kathryn smirked.

"No regrets?" Chakotay asked with a smile.

"Oh gosh no. Not my type."

Chakotay found that hard to believe, given her 'friendship' with Sean Ramirez and raised his eyes at her, "You surprise me, given your date this evening?"

Kathryn turned to him with a questioning look, "Sean?"

Chakotay nodded, "He reminds me of Riker."

Kathryn's eyebrows raised further as she looked towards where her 'date' was holding court with Picard and Beverley Crusher.

"You think they look alike?"

"Ramirez is slightly more exotic but in personality…they are similar you have to admit."

Kathryn looked surprised by Chakotay's statement, and then laughed lightly, "I suppose you are right, I've never thought about it but yes there are some…similarities."

Chakotay swiped a glass of champagne for him and Kathryn as a waiter passed by and took a swig, momentarily wishing it was something stronger. His attention turned to the dance floor as Riker and Troi swirled around in perfect harmony.

"Did you bring a date this evening Chakotay?" Kathryn asked and Chakotay swallowed deeply.

"Who would I have brought?" He asked with a chuckle.

Kathryn shrugged, her attention still on the dance floor.

"So are you happy?" He asked nervously.

"What?" Kathryn asked, finally turning back to look at him.

"You and Captain Ramirez?"

Kathryn tilted her head, "He's a good friend."

"That doesn't really answer the question."

"Just what are you asking?" Kathryn asked with a smile around her glass as she took a long drink and Chakotay felt the heat rise to his face. Damn her and her way of answering a question with a question.

Before he could answer her, the band asked for other couples to join the newlyweds on the dance floor and Chakotay could see Sean Ramirez headed in his and Kathryn's direction. Without thinking it through he took Kathryn's champagne glass from her hand and set both glasses down on the table beside them.

"Dance with me?" He asked.

Kathryn, still looking far too smug for his liking, just grinned at him and nodded. He heard her laughing as he all but dragged her to the dance floor leaving Captain Ramirez in their wake.

As he took her in his arms he thought about the last time he held a woman on the dance floor. Despite his uncertainty about Kathryn's potential relationship with Ramirez, he was feeling a lot more secure in himself than he did then. He drew her closer to him and inhaled a breath, she centred him like no one else. She was the most infuriating woman he had ever met but as he twirled them both around the dance floor he had never felt more at peace. He never wanted to let her go.

As the song came to a close he felt her pull away slightly but he kept his arms firm and only allowed her enough space to look up at him. The next song was slower and more intimate and he challenged her with a look. The smug smile she had been sporting changed as she met his challenging gaze with one of her own.

"Are you happy, Kathryn?" He asked again, his voice soft, "Does Ramirez make you happy?"

His gaze dropped to her lips and he moved towards her, "Does he bring you peace?" he asked as he placed a soft kiss to the side of her mouth.

As he drew away he saw her eyes were half closed, and when they opened he watched with fascination as they burned with what looked like anger, frustration and a small hint of desire.

"You've got a nerve Chakotay." She drawled at him and he raised an eyebrow in response.

"You didn't answer my questions."

"What makes you think you have the right to ask?"

"I don't. In fact given my behaviour over the past few months, I don't believe I have any rights at all where you are concerned. But I can't help myself." He tightened his arms again and rested his head on hers, "Answer me Kathryn. Please."

He felt her hands rest upon his chest and for a moment he thought she was going to push him away. He felt her stroke his chest and he couldn't work out if she was consoling him or encouraging him.

"Sean is a good friend." Kathryn repeated. "He's been staying with me while his apartment is redecorated. He's escorted me to dinners, to functions and been my rock. He also made no secret that he wanted to get in to my bed."

Chakotay tensed and Kathryn's hands drew circles over his chest.

"And what about you? Did you want him there?"

"Yes."

Chakotay released a breath and loosened his arms, "Then I guess that is all I need to know."

"You had moved on Chakotay. What was I supposed to do?"

"Exactly what you have." He bent to kiss her forehead, "I just want you to be happy."

"I was happy."

"Was?"

Kathryn nodded and Chakotay felt his heart begin to race, "And then you turned up on my doorstep and this happy little world collapsed in dust, and I realised that it was all a mirage."

She looked up at him, tears shining in her eyes, but not unhappily, "Sean moved out that night, gave me a hug and wished me the best."

"But tonight…?"

"We are both close to Deanna, we had agreed some time ago to be each other's date this evening. I didn't realise you were going to be here."

"Why did you avoid me? I've been trying to get you to meet me for lunch all week."

He watched a blush make its way up Kathryn's neck in fascination and a large dose of curiosity.

"Well. I'm not proud of myself but I thought that you deserved to be given some 'rainchecks' of your own."

Chakotay laughed, "You were getting your own back?!"

Kathryn laughed along with him and he felt that wonderful sense of peace again.

"Nothing ever happened with Sean. Despite his similarities to Riker, he knew I wasn't ready and never pushed. He's only stayed in the guest room."

Chakotay nodded, "You didn't have to tell me that. No matter what had happened. It would never have changed how I feel."

"And how do you feel, Chakotay?"

"Elated. Happy. At peace. In love."

She smiled brilliantly up at him and he took her face in his hands to kiss her softly. As he pulled away, with her eyes still closed, he heard her whisper.

"Bring me home Chakotay."

=/\=


End file.
